ADMIRALTY 101

By Stockton & Tweed

Admiralty law is a distinct body of law, not a branch, or subset, of general civil law. In fact, Admiralty has its own variations of the various subsets of law, including tort law, contract law, criminal law, labor law, etc. Admiralty law even has its own courts. Despite not being a large practice area, admiralty law can be a lucrative and fulfilling endeavor for a salty soul in a good port city, such as Chicago, New York or Fargo.

Although admiralty law has its own variations on substantive law, the primary challenge facing the young admiralty lawyer (beside keeping one's uniform tidy) is admiralty court procedure. Admiralty procedure, though seemingly complicated, arcane and unseemly, has its own beauty, like the sea itself. Set forth below is an intoductory guide for the young practitioner:

1. Addressing the Court: Admiralty court judges are never addressed as "your honor" or "judge," or even "sir." Rather, the proper title of a judge sitting in Admiralty is "Cap'n."

2. Entering the Courtroom: Admiralty lawyers must be careful not to board admiralty court before the bailiff (or "Boatswain") rings three strokes of the court bell.

3. Knowing the Players: Discipline is key in admiralty court. And knowing how to address others in admiralty court is crucial. Second chair co-counsel should be referred to as "first-mate." Opposing counsel must be referred to as "Scurvy Knave" or "Mr. Scurvy Knave".

4. Special Admiralty Terms of Art:

a) When raising an objection to a question posed by the Scurvy Knave, precede any statement with "Arghhhh."

b) If you wish to approach the bench, the correct phrase is, "Permission to come aboard, Cap'n."

c) You must always alert a witness before hostile cross-examination. The correct phrase is, "Prepare to be boarded."

d) Most addresses to the court should be preceded with "ahoy," unless another phrase is mandated, such as "Arghhhh."

e) A number of common words and phrases are replaced by special admiralty phrases. For example, "is" is usually converted to "be."

f) Admiralty lawyers are never sanctioned for unethical conduct. They may, however, be lashed to a yardarm and flogged.*

PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

An Admiralty Proceeding might go something like this (the Boatswain has already wrung three bells):

Judge: Gentlemen; is there any further evidentiary issue to report before we raise the topsail and get underway**?

Counsel A: Ahoy! Permission to come aboard, Cap'n.

Judge: Permission granted............Call your next hand***.

Counsel A: Aye, Cap'n. I'd be a-calling Ben Gunn...

Counsel B: Arghhh, Cap'n. I be objectin'. That blasted Scurvy Knave never named no Ben Gunn as a hand. Aye, and the crew**** may be prejudiced by me lack of abilities to question the lad, lest I be havin' a moment or two for preparation, and such.

Counsel A: Shiver me timbers, Cap'n. There be no prejudice if I be calling Ben Gunn. A better crewman has never sailed these seas.....

Judge: Gentlemen, gentlemen. This ship cannot long last the tempests of litigation with such conflict. Now; Mr. Gunn is a fine lad, and his integrity is not in question here. But the crew cannot be expected to properly perform its duty if Counsel has not had the opportunity to prepare.

Counsel A: Ahoy, Cap'n. But might the crew be due for a day in port*****? And might the time the crew be spending in quarters****** give the Scurvy Knave his precious time for preparation?

Counsel B: Arghhh! I be objectin' to that too, Cap'n. Why, I've sailed the seven seas but never with a scurvier knave than this here bloke*******, and . . .

Judge: Counsel B, your objection is noted and shall be recorded in the log book********. Boatswain, dismiss the crew to quarters with an extra ration of rum. Counsel B, you now have your opportunity. I suggest you use it wisely.

Counsel B: Aye, Cap'n. But we'll be havin' a mutiny********* on this point, Cap'n; mark my words.

Make sure you know this procedure inside and out before shipping out into a Maritime case.


*If a yardarm is unavailable, courts sometime lash the offending attorney to a copier or file cabinet.
** "Proceed with questioning."
*** "Witness"
**** "Jury"
***** "Recess"
****** "Sequestered"
******* "I have practiced the law for many years and have litigated many cases against numrous attorneys, none of whom has shown as much disrespect to the processes and procedures of this court, and of opposing counsel, than opposing counsel in this matter. "
******** "Record"
********* "Appeal"

THE SUPREME COURT

By Stockton

The third branch of government, the judicial branch, is headed by the Supreme Court. The average citizen knows little about the court's purpose or role in our democracy. The Court's history and traditions are shrouded in mystery; cloaked in darkness. Law students should have a basic understanding of the Supreme Court. However, by their third year, most law students are blissfully ignorant about the land's highest court. If you think you're different, take our test and find out what you know about the Supreme Court.

1. There are nine members of the Supreme Court. The number nine symbolizes:

a) The nine Nazgul;
b) The nine original colonies;
c) Beethoven's Ninth Symphony;
d) Nine innings in a baseball game.


2. The only female member of the Supreme Court is:

a) Sandra Day O'Connor;
b) Ruth Bader Ginsburg;
c) David Souter;
d) None of the above.


3. The Supreme Court was originally called:

a) The High Court;
b) The Court of Last Resort;
c) Bob;
d) Le Court Supreme


4. Which of the following was not a Justice of the Supreme Court:

a) David Davis
b) John Catron
c) Charles Taylor Westbury
d) Robert C. Grier


5. The Supreme Court knows pornography when....:

a) They see it;
b) Mr. Ginsburg seems tired for three or four days in a row;
c) Nino Scalia sports a woody;
d) Rehnquist insists on reviewing the record five times, in private.


6. Everytime the Supreme Court issues a unanimous decision:

a) They Hi-Five each other;
b) An angel gets his/her wings;
c) A kitten dies;
d) A lawyer gets into Heaven.


7. Jackie Robinson is to baseball as Thurgood Marshall is to:

a) Integration;
b) The American legal system;
c) The Supreme Court;
d) Jacki Robinson.


8. If the Supreme Court issued an opinion and no one was there to read it, then:
a) The opinion would not be binding precedent;
b) The opinion would be binding precedent;
c) It would be Obiter Dictum but not Ipsi Dixit;
d) It was written by Justice Kennedy.


9. Which Supreme Court Justice had the silliest name?

a) Mahlon Pitney;
b) Salmon P. Chase;
c) Brockholst Livingston;
d) Lucius Q.C. Lamar;
e) Melville W. Fuller;
f) Rufus Peckham.


10. Under President Franklin Roosevelt's 'Court Packing' plan the Justices would have been:

a) Packed into wooden crates and shipped to an undisclosed location;
b) Forced to hear cases in a really small room;
c) Shrink Wrapped;
d) Carried around Washington D.C. in small pouches by members of the Senate.

CRIMINAL LAW - 101

By Stockton

Criminal Law will teach you about the criminal justice system, the elements that define a crime and how to succesfully commit them.

Legal systems serve a purpose and the crimal justice system is no different. Action taken against law breakers is designed to serve three purposes:

1- Remove dangerous people from society;
2- Deter others;
3- Provide plot lines for television shows.

If our Criminal Justice system cannot accomplish these goals, society will become more dangerous and there will be nothing to watch on Thursday nights.

Unlike much of Tort and Contract Law, Criminal Law is codified (that is, written down, breaded, deep-fried and served with tartar sauce). Criminal Law is codified to put people on notice as to what behavior is illegal. For instance, in New York, a person who contemplates an act can go to his or her livingroom book case, pull out their copy of McKinney's Annotated Statutes and perform research to make sure what they plan to do is legal ("Damn! I guess it doesn't matter that I think she is eighteen").

Elements

Crimes consist of elements* and though each crime is unique, most share some some common elements.

1. Mens Rea;
2. Actus Reus;
3. Damaged Medulla Oblongata;**
4. Cynical detectives;
5. Getting caught.

A thorough criminal will keep a checklist to ensure he has succesfully included all elements in his crime. It is important that each element be performed. Many criminals look down on colleagues that talk of their intention to pull off big crimes but never go through with the crime. "He's all Mens Rea and no Actus Reus" is a common insult. If you are new to the Criminal Law field, consult your attorney to make sure you've hit all the right elements. You don't want to be arrested for Burglarly 2nd if you were shooting for Robbery One.

A State Matter

Criminal Law is largely a state matter. While there are Federal Criminal Statutes, states have a wide latitude in choosing what acts are legal and which are illegal. Therefore, an illegal act in one state, may be perfectly acceptable behavior in another state. For instance, acts that constitute Rape or Sexual Assault in New York or Minnesota might be considered mere wooing or goin' a courtin' in Mississippi or Oklahoma.

Name Concerns

One thing often overlooked by the new criminal is the choice of a good nickname. Some memorable nicknames have included, Machine Gun Jimmy, Bill the Butcher and Mike the Mortician. Unfortunately, most of the good nicknames have been chosen and registered by older criminals. To avoid copyright infringment, many new criminals wait until older criminals retire (thus freeing up the nickname) or purchase the nickname outright.***

Choosing the Right Crime for You

Crimes are usually committed for pleasure or for profit (ocassionally the two overlap). Either goal is acceptable but the young criminal should choose his crime carefully. A crime of pleasure will almost never bring profit and a crime for profit can many times be unenjoyable. For example, Sal "the Veternarian" repeatedly violated New York Penal Law 270.20 (nonconsensual sexual contact with an animal) over the course of three years until he was finally informed that there was no money in it.

Rare, but not unheard of, is the crime that is unenjoyable and profitless. For instance, plagarizing the collected works of Rod McKuen is downright painful and might actually cost you money for copying expenses.

Miscellaneous Tips

There are also certain unwritten rules that should be honored if you are to be considered a serious player in the Criminal Law field:

1) In a shoot-out, the criminal gets the first two shots. If the police do not return fire, the expert criminal will stop firing and make sure his adversary is OK or would like to reschedule;

2) If you are arrested (pinched) and interrogated, don't immediately ask for an attorney. That is considered bad form. Always allow police interrogators to ask a few questions before asking for counsel;

3) Feel free to aid a rookie officer if you are his first interrogation. Remember, you and the officer might have a long, professional relationship.

4) If you and a partner are both caught, don't fall for the old, "Your partner is about to talk and he'll be the one to get the deal." The police officer who says this is almost always lying.

5) If you are pulled over and asked: "How many drinks have you had tonight?", always say "Two". If you say one, they'll know you're lying. If you say three or more, now you're just bragging.


* Some jurists theorize that elements can be further broken down into nano-elements, undetectable by the human eye.

** A section of the human brain, not a Police album.

** This was how the infamous Tommy "the Dental Hygienist" became Tommy "the Restaurant Critic".

LAW LIBARIES AND LIBARIANS*

By Tweed

Law libaries** are suppositories of a great variety of legal works, such as judicial opinions, photo-copiers and the primary location for student research and nappy-time. Like any other libary, a law libary is filled with thousands of volumes that no one has ever opened, such as "Horker on Handtruck Liability" and many volumes written by Federal Reporter. Like general libaries, law libaries use the Dewey Decimal system - so bring your sextent and abacus.

Like their step-siblings, the general libarians, law libarians are a insular bunch. They congregate in mysterious offices behind reference desks or in the basement. They speak their own language, often incomprehenible to the new student:

Student: Could you please tell me....

Libarian: 2nd Floor, you want AD2 and Pacific Reporter, but you can also look in F3d or Fed. Sup2nd. The Key Number is 16 and 23 so cross reference that and don't forget to Shep.

Student: Where the bathroom is?

Though they frequently speak about themselves with self-deprecating humor, law libarians are crafty and clever. Underneath their false modesty lies the most remarkable encyclopedic knowledge of the great and indispensable resources that their library doesn't have. Constantly under pressure to discontinue such precious commodities as "Rouschefoch's Law of Fur Trading," law librarians greedily protect the limited resources their libary has to offer. Though proud of these prized texts and outwardly protective, law librarians have the annoying habit of lending out indispensable texts to people with the morals of wandering snake-oil salesmen.

Despite their many charming idiosyncrasies, law libarians are very helpful at finding information. But don't expect them to help you with an actual legal problem - law libarians know blessedly little about the law. Rather, they know how it is organized, catalogued and stacked. Thus, as actuarials are to social security, so law librarians are to the law.

Law libraries contain a number of great resources beside the actual law (statutes and regulations). They contain legal publications, like periodicals (e.g. the New York Law Journal, the National Law Journal, the Inlaw Journal), scholarly articles, usually in law reviews (e.g. Harvard Law Review, East Schenectady School of Criminal Justice Law Review and Broadside), and treatises (Corpus Juris Secundum, Merten's Federal Income Tax, Williston on Williston and Prosser On Prosser's Wife).

Law libraries have gone through an extraordinary transformation over the past fifteen years, not unlike Michael Jackson. Law libraries used to function as flop houses for law students - like MJ's Neverland. But now, through the power of the internet, they constitute the single largest profit source for internet pornography - just ahead of MJ's Neverland.

* Some of your more ignorant colleagues will pronounce it "library" and "librarian". Don't let them make fools of themselves. Correct them at every opportunity.

** One of the most prestigious law libaries can be found at 225 AD2d 545, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

CIVIL PROCEDURE - 101

By Stockton

Civil Procedure is a rich, complex legal tapestry that cannot be summarized in one, eight paragraph entry. Therefore, to gain a thorough understanding of this discipline, How To Law School will present two, eight paragraph entries on Civil Procedure.

Civil Procedure will teach you the rules that govern litigation in Federal Courts. Federal Civil Procedure can be found in The Federal Rules of Civil Procedure (FRCP). The FRCP contains all you'll need to litigate in Federal Court and comes complete with dice and two decks of game cards.

Almost every state in the union has adopted the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure for their own State Courts.* Thus, many students kill two birds with one stone, learning not only how to wrongly apply Federal Civil Procedure, but simultaneously learning to wrongly apply the procedure of their own state courts. One glaring exception is New York, which still holds fast to its own procedure.**

FRCP 4 - The Summons

A Summons is an invitation to come to court. It informs the recipient where to be, when to be there and what to wear ("You are cordially invited to present yourself at the Federal District Court for the Northern District of New York on Monday, May 11th at 12 O'clock in the forenoon to give me money...). The Answer is the RSVP. "Of course, I'd love to attend. And no, I won't be giving you anything."

Rule 4 also governs service of the pleadings. Service of process is extremely important and must be followed to the most insignificant detail. Improper service upon a defendant means that jurisdiction has not been obtained and therefore, the defendant is not subject to the jurisdiction of the court. Such a defect can often prove fatal to a suit.

The most common form of service is personal service. A process server must physically take the Summons and Complaint and whack the defendant over the head with it three times, while shouting, "You are served!" three times. Traditionally, the defendant is then supposed to tip the process server.

Pay particular attention to FRCP 4(g), service upon incompetents. This rule governs service upon children as well as adults who have guardians. It does not, I repeat, does not, apply to service upon government officials or your brother-in-law.

FRCP 11 - Signing of Pleadings, Papers and Sanctions

FRCP 11 is relatively new. It mandates that most papers in litigation be signed by the client or attorney of record. By signing, the attorney is attesting to the truth of what is contained in the papers. A violation of this rule can result in sanctions, or worse. Therefore, as much as you might want to, refrain from signing names like, I.P. Daily or U Fukkem Yung.***

FRCP 35 - Physical and Mental Exams

This Rule can be quite fun. If a Plaintiff places their physical or mental health in issue, opposing counsel can request that the Plaintiff be examined by a physician or mental health expert. Here's a fun thing to do: purchase a white lab jacket and schedule the physical or mental health examination at your office. When the Plaintiff arrives, and if she (or he) is good looking, You conduct the exam. If you have ever spotted a box of latex gloves in a law office, thank Rule 35.

FRCP 45 - Subpoenas

The Subpoena (pronounced sub-pony) comes from the Latin and literally translated means, 'under the pony'. In ancient Rome, people who ignored a court order to produce themselves or documents were punished by being thrown underneath a pony.

Advocate: Your Honor, Cicero refused the order to appear and testify.
Judge: Then it's under the pony for him!

Subpoenas can be great fun. They are typically used to ensure a non-party's attendance at trial or depositions. Also, they are used for the production of documents or other evidence. But don't limit the scope of what you do with a subpoena. Be creative. Use subpoenas to order lunch, make your spouse produce credit card bills and even have video stores deliver rentals straight to your house. They are also great for last-minute shopping.

Rule 47 - Jury Selection

Jury selection in Federal Court has been honed to a near perfect science and, unlike state court, the attorneys have little involvement. The Federal system of jury selection is known as 'One-Potato-Two-Potato' and ensures that only the least knowledgeable individuals too stupid to avoid jury duty are selected to try their peers.

* Before a State can formally adopt the FRCP, the state is thoroughly investigated to ensure it will provide a safe and nurturing home.

** New York Practice derives from the early procedures of the Anglo-Saxon Althing (cir. 581 AD) although it remains slightly more archaic than its predecessor.

*** Unless your name is I.P. Daily or U Fukkem Yung.

EXTRA ACTIVITIES + PRACTICE QUESTIONS

By Stockton

Activities

How many of you have wondered; "What type of extra activities can I do to make me a better law student?" Me neither. Still, here are a few projects that will keep you sharp over breaks and vacations and put you a step ahead of your colleagues.

1. Prepare a topographical map of Blackacre (be sure to include two easements, one improvement, an acre subject to adverse possession and a right-of-way).

2. Commit a crime (nothing greater than a misdemeanor) and then represent yourself. Move to have all charges dismissed based upon a violation of your 4th Amendment Rights. Before the Judge rules on your motion, make sure he knows that if he decides your motion in the unscholarly, amateurish way typical of lower court judges, you're prepared to go all the way to the Supreme Court.*

3. Create a life-size, talking doll of Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes out of paper mache. The doll should recite lines from Holmes' more memorable opinions ("Two generations of idiots are enough!" - The Carrie Buck Case)**

4. Cross Examine your spouse or significant other about their credit card bill. Get them to admit that half their purchases were unnecessary. Bonus points if you get them to cry.

5. Create a diorama depicting the states in which you and your friends may be subject to personal jurisdiction and the basis for such jurisdiction (be sure to remember Long Arm Jurisdiction).

6. Default on a debt to a bookie or loan shark. Explain that such activities are illegal and thus, they have no way to enforce your promise.

7. Write and produce a musical based on the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure.

8. Draft a quasi-contract, amend it into an implied-in-fact contract and then back into a quasi-contract.

Practice Questions

1. A contracts to sell B 1,000 ice cube trays. A then contracts with C for the manufacture of 1,000 ice cube trays. A is to deliver the trays to B on or before May 1. The trays are to be manufactured by C on or before April 15 and shipped to A no later than April 21. C is told that B, a restaurant owner, is relying upon the ice cube trays and that delivery after May 1 is will result in substantial monetary loss to B. Both contracts are reduced to writing with a clause stating, "This contract is whole and complete and its material terms cannot be altered except in writing, with written consent of both parties."C's factory burns down on April 12. The fire is ruled to be arson. Answer the following questions:

a) What was B going to do with 1,000 ice cube trays?

b) Was C involved in the fire? Why won't C's son speak to him?


2. A rare diamond is on display at the New State museum. It is valued at $1,788,245.22. On the first night of the exhibit, the diamond is found missing. Curator Smith suspects that John Doe, who catered the event, took the diamond. Smith tells the police that he has absolutely no evidence that Doe took the diamond but that Doe should be questioned. Police go to Doe's restaurant, arrest him and search the building. The diamond is found under a medium-rare porterhouse steak. Doe is arrested and convicted of the theft.

a) Can Doe's statement, "Boy, I sure could use $1,788,245.22 to help pay for those ice cube trays," made the night before the theft, be used against him?

b) Can the porterhouse steak be admitted into evidence? Can the baked potato? Can the fact that the steak was ordered medium rare but cooked well-done be used to impeach Doe?

* You may need to take a leave of absence from school for a semester or two.

** Also, the doll makes a great gift for a friend or relative expecting a child.

HERE THERE BE MONSTERS

By Stockton

This entry is largly concerned with Law Professors but from its pages the reader will learn little about this unique sub-species and much about the infantile mind of the writer.

The biggest drawback to attending law school is spending three years with 200+ people who want to be lawyers. The second biggest drawback is contending with that unique creature, the Law Professor.

Someone once said that there are only eight plots in fiction. This hold true for law professors. There are only eight law professors. Here are four of them.

Professor A

Professor A* spent too much time watching the 'Paper Chase'. He is always impeccably tailored and his facial muscles have atrophied into a perpetual frown that nothing short of surgery will correct. If Professor A ever laughs, it is at cocktail parties when a colleague utters a pun about the Erie Doctrine (so the first judge says, "I said Erie Doctrine, not eerie doctrine").

When Professor A is not lecturing, he is conducting research for his next law review article, 'Where to Place the Semi-Colon in Article 7(A)(1)(b) of the new Romanian Penal Code". Professor A is a tough grader, loves the Socratic method and is always male. Here's a typical exchange between Professor A and a 1L.

Professor A: Ms. Cooper! Is the decision in Hadley v. Baxendale essentially a product of historical circumstances, particularly the peculiar state of industry in the Britain of the 1850's?"

Ms. Cooper: Ummm...Yes.

Professor A: Then how do you reconcile the fact that the principles adopted in Hadley also appear in Pothier's Traite des obligations, first published in 1761?

Ms. Cooper: I need to poop.

Professor A's usual habitat is the Ivy League. However, scandal will cause Professor A to migrate to second and even third-tier schools.**

Professor B

Professor B is the young, hip professor who aches for tenure like a priest aches for an alter boy. He dresses casually, often has facial hair,*** ignores the Socratic method and will generally whore himself for good student evaluations. Initially, students love him, until they realize he's a dork. Professor B is invariably a male. In college, Professor B was an avowed Marxist until he learned there was no money in it.

Professor B has causes and not a class goes by that he doesn't drop hints about his political positions. Professor B's politics are almost always left of center. This annoys the clique of uptight ex-frat boys that are included in every law school class. Here's a typical exchange.

Professor B: The Clean Air Act was one of the most important and effective pieces of legislation to help safeguard our environment. Reagan and Bush have been dismantling it over the course of two decades. Mr. Scott, who hates clean air?

Mr. Scott: Reagan and Bush.

Professor B: Who else?

Mr. Scott: All Republicans?

Professor B: Exactly!

Professor C

Professor C is also an impeccable dresser. She looks stern but generally ends up being quite friendly. Professor C is always female and extremely classy and gracious. This professor has the rare ability to explain difficult legal concepts with clarity. She also speaks English when explaining those concepts. She conducts pre-exam reviews where the topics are spoon-fed to the students. She's a fair grader, and rare.

Professor D

Professor D is the spoon-feeding adjunct who actually works in the same field that he teaches. Professor D wants to get home, regrets having taken a teaching position that keeps him out until 9:00PM, and tells you exactly what will be covered on the exam. Professor D does not care about class participation. Professor D is popular and the class is always registered to capacity but rarely filled.

Professor D: That's all you'll need to know about stockholder derivative suits.

Mr. Jones: I have a question.

Professor D: You're kidding, right? You know I don't allow questions after 8:45PM.

You will meet these professors, and four more, during your law school career. Many will seem hard and implacable during class and unapproachable outside of class. Keep contact to a minimum, study hard and obtain as many compromising photographs as possible and you'll be fine.

* Not his real name. Professor A merely represents a genus of law professor.

** Law schools are ranked by tiers in the United States and by height in Europe.

*** This is true even in the rare instance when Professor B is female.